1/28/2023 In retrospect

It's been 2 months since my last updated. That's because I was engrossed in editing my SOP for the eight grad programs I was applying to, as well as going through the last stretch of the whole application season (filling out application forms, and writing up short answers, etc.). Things looked smaller in magnitude and less intimidating than when they did when I was still reaching out to professors, but they are as demanding in terms of time and energy. Anyway, by mid-December I was already mentally prepared to get eight rejects. I'd convinced myself that I can still be happy even if I don't get into any grad school, that I see myself living a different life somewhere in this world, and that everything was going to turn out alright.

November to Decemeber was argubly the worst and the darkest days so far. I felt stuck on my manuscript. Grad applications were due one after the other. And winter in New England has been brutal: you're telling me it's pitch black at 4pm and I have to function as if it's still light out...? I also had a bunch of work in the lab, most of which involved learning to do something completely new (such as weighing coral samples). Yeah, I didn't know weighing a tray of 41 of coral and sediment samples could take me 6 hours either? Okay, yes, it sounds absurd. I've always known that on the first day of me learning anything, I'm much worse than the average beginner. BUT, for the second time, I usually do significantly better than the average 2nd-time-learner. So within a few days I was able to cut down that time to 3 hours. Still not great, I know, because according to Kim it should really be 45min. But we're getting there.

January was better not because work became easier but because I finally started working out again. I'd dance to The Fitness Marshall's 30min dance workouts and those work wonders. I also started reading again. Slowly picking up the pieces and stepping into the mindset that "even if my career prospects may look grim right now, my life doesn't have to be", I started to take joy in other things: walks, movies, brunches, time with friends...For the first time in a long time, I could genuinely say I was doing great. Insomnia stopped being an issue as I started to think in terms of "the quality of life that I lived today" instead of "the quality of work completed today".

Still, I was having nightmares like these:

1. failing a class after getting a grad school offer and having the offer RESCINDED, even though graduation was 9 months ago

2. being stuck on coding; matlab crashing and losing all my work

3. getting 8 rejects and learning about it through a classmate

All this to say, "this too shall pass". Everything was always going to turn out alright.

In the past weeks, I've gotten offer from 3 schools. When the first one came, I was a wreck. It was 2pm EST, hence 3am in my parents' timezone, and I was crying and laughing and they didn't know what was going on. There were a lot of very intense emotions - happiness, relief, sorrow, even, that came from nowhere. Suddenly, it was like the endless tunnel I've been in collapsed and I saw how close I was to the light all along. A lot of things rang in my head: "Everything paid off" and "I can't believe this is over", and "I'm going to grad school!" Don't get me wrong, though. I know my work alone didn't get me here. It's my work, but also my recommenders (Jen and Kim and Amanda who carried), and all the feedback I've gotten for my SOP, and everything that happened during the reach-out phase, and all the super nice and patient professors who gave me time and advice when they weren't even looking to take a student, and perhaps most importantly, my potential advisors in those programs who saw my potential. The things that could make or break my career, and the project side quests I thought might be too juvenile to mention, they saw value in them and in me, and they saw a future for me that I can't quite see just yet.

Every time I think of that, I'm overflown by gratitude.