Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Take a sip of water.
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Remember the math problem I was stuck on in the last blog? Turns out I was going to be stuck for another 2 weeks before finally solving it. Here we are - 3 weeks later - I solved the regression. I developed a method to graphically represent the prediction interval for Deming regression, which, to my knowlegde, has never been done before. To get to this point, I've resorted to emailing my college stats professor (thanks Dr. Wang!), as well as a postdoc at MIT (Thanks Greg!). I've dived the depths of the internet, read and took meticulous notes of documentations on orthogonal regressions. I've had multiple regression-related dreams - one of them actuallty helped me debug my code...it's been a rough 3 weeks. But hey, we made it.
Solving the math proved to have carried more weight than just that. When I put down my pen, hit "run section" in matlab, and looked at the two beautiful prediction intervals on the plot, I realized that undergrad me could never have done this. I was never given the opportunity to brood on a problem for three weeks, never given the freedom to "be desperate" , to ask for help in every way possible, to organize my thoughts in such depth and detail, and finally, to implement all I've learned & gathered on my own into codes. In college, I did great, becuase I was great at absorbing knowledge - but to create required something else, and that certain something had to be cultivated outside of the classroom.
For a long time I worried that I'm only motivated by grades and deadlines, that losing those would take away all my drive to work hard.
But hey, we did all that, and we weren't even going to be graded.
The most amazing realization? It's the fact that we knew we might not be able to find the answer within the manuscript timeline, but we dove in anyway.
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Grad apps are still going.
I feel like I'm scrambling everyday - I meet with someone, they tell me about their work and ask about my research interestst, we exchange that information, and we talk about skills they value in a student, and so on and so on. When the conversation ends, I don't know whether they like me enought to take me on as a PhD student or not. I've met several potential advisors I truly like and admire, but I don't know if they like me back.
I don't know if I'm being too pushy or not enough; I don't know whether or not to ask for confirmation, when a "guarantee" can't be given; I don't know the best way to follow up consistently; I don't know if my passion shows.
It just feels like I don't know anything. Sometimes I go to bed and cry about that. And I know nobody signed up for this negativity but this is just what I feel, and what I feel makes me who I am right now. I promised to record everything during this process, and right now everything is just ugly and sad and painful.
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On the research front, I'm swamped by work. I'm in the toughest part of manuscript preparation stage and I want to have it submitted before the first wave of grad app deadlines - early December.
Right now, I can't afford to work just my scheduled hours: 7.5 hours is not enough to get my paper done by December, plus grad apps take a lot of time. I try to work whenever and wherever I can. It's a project I've worked on so hard for so long, and I just want to make sure it turns out to be something I'm proud of. To my knowledge, I'm the first person working full-time on a manucript in this lab, so how fast I get my paper submitted is both a testament to my efforts as well as a proof to Kim - "hey, look, this is what's acheivable when you hire someone with a bachelor's degree to do research full-time".
Aside from the manuscript, lab preparation is really starting to pick up. I'm arranging gas cylinder orders, various lab supply site accounts, measuring counter spaces for instrument installations, etc. Amanda says I'm learning a lot on the fly as somewhat of a lab manager, so I should cut myself some slack, ask for help whenever possible. I agree, but there really is no easing into it. Not many people get to help a PI set up a brand new lab, and the amount of things to consider and the wealth of information to organize is just slightly over my capabilities right now. I'm not saying I won't get there in a few days or a few weeks - I'm just not there right now.
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About friends, family, fun, and happiness: they're still happening. I just don't have the energy to go into the details right now. I try to keep up with loved ones, catch up, everything, but I fall behind and forget to check in.
I need to battle this - can't let all the stress take away my moments in life - but I don't know how just yet.
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I'm going to put on some cucumber eye mask, lay down, and practice breathing.
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