I got my Brown ID last Friday. I attended a Brown pre-college program back in 2017, and apparently my picture from way back then was still in the system.
...So yes, I went in as a young professional pretty and all dressed up with all 21 years of her pride, and came out holding an ID with a picture that looks like a mug shot taken when I was 17. But hey, you win some you lose some, right? At least I have access to the library now.
Here I am. But where was I? I graduated Georgia Tech as an Earth and Atmospheric Sciences major Spring 2022, and because I was a "coward" (quoting verbatim from my ex-roommate and college bestie at Tech, Xufei), I didn't apply to grad school when I should have, which is Fall 2021, so I'm taking a gap year. We joke about it a lot, but it's true. I didn't have the guts. I feared the GRE. I doubted how strong my academic records and research experiences are. I didn't know if I'll ever be ready.
What I did have the guts for, though, was asking my mentor (Dr. Kim Cobb) whether I could work with her as a full-time researcher during my gap-year, during which hopefully I'll gather up courage to apply.
Fast forward to Summer 2022, I'd been working as a full-time researcher with Kim for a while when she told me she'd been hired at Brown, adn that if I wanted to, I can go too.
After listing off all the pros and cons, having crazy long calls with my parents, frantically trying to find housing, and packing up my life in the great ATL, here I am.
The move has not been easy, and in a sense I'm still settling in.
I have 4 nice roommates in a 2-story unit with amazing appliances, and rooms are fully furnished. The only downside is laundry costs $1.5 and I don't have any quarters. The kitchen is huge and beyond adequate for my cooking endeavours -- I feel like a strong independent woman just standing in it.
Every morning, I squeeze in a piano practice session before going to work, heat up leftover dinner from the previous night as lunch, and head to the gym after work. I've been obsessed about Why Women Kill and try to watch an episode each night. Rest of the time I read and catch up with friends and my parents.
It takes time, I know, but I just wish there's a way to fast forward to a point where I already knew everything: favorite restaurant, boba places, study spots, etc. I wish there's a way to tell which of the people I meet will become my friend. I miss having people to run to (really run to) when things get rough.
Making new friends as a working adult is hard.
When you're in college, you're just sort of...placed among friends. You meet someone in class, suffer together for a while, and during one of those study sessions you become buddies and that's it. You need them as much as they need you, and school is on your mind 24/7 that you don't really have enough time to hangout hangout.
I suspect when they say "wait til you're in the real world", this is what they mean. Now that I'm not in school, "free time" truly does become free time, and I start to realize how easy it is to pass through life without a hobby in school. I want to be deliberate when I look for friends. Happiness is something to go after, not something you wait for. So maybe friends shouldn't come by just becuase of convenience. Good friends are worth seeking out.
I downloaded Bumble BFF for this purpose. I don't know how hopeful I am in finding friends this way, but we gotta try, yeah?
Grad school application has been on my mind A LOT. Ever since visiting Xufei in Philly last weekend, I've not felt the same. I'd expected to soak up all of Philly's glory, get some good Chinatown food in my stomach, watch some good movies with her, help her settle in her new home, and call it a day. While all that was accomplished, I brought back to Providence one thing I didn't foresee: stress.
It's dumb, but I can't help it. She's doing her phD at Wharton, and of course I wanted to see where her office is, check out the libraries (with actual books which were uncommon back at Georgia Tech), and feel out the UPenn vibes. But as we walked those streets, I couldn't help but remember while all of this exciting phD prepwork is already natural to her, it doesn't belong to me.
What if my application doesn't stand out? What if nobody has funding for me? What if even if someone does want me and has funding, the committee determines I'm not enough? What if even my records are strong enough, I don't seem pleasant enough to work with so I don't make it? ...What if I don't get into any grad school?
I know that if I give my all (and I will), I will be satisfied with my application results. Whichever school, whichever program it ends up being, I know I will love it because all of the hard work will have led me there. But for now, I can't stop worrying.
In terms of research, I finally started to reach out to other professors in DEEPS, trying to learn about what everyone else is doing in the department. It struck me how easy it was to get in touch with them, especially in contrast with how hard it was in my mind. Kim says she knows I'll make connections and I will feel like I belong with time. It's hard to imagine someday I'll look back at this place and feel nostalgic. It's getting better, I can feel it, but oh how I wish it's getting better at a much higher rate.
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