(If you get the Dr. Stone reference, let's be besties)
I stand corrected - things can feel like they're going worse before they go better. I say that, but I'm really not sure if the latter is going to happen any time soon...
A few things came to my realization:
I don't really have an identity to comfortably call my own, at least not yet. I'm certainly not a student anymore (losing Blick Art Supplies's student discount made me realize that), but I also don't have all the staff priviledges. I navigate DEEPS as a research assistant, but I still feel weird using the staff microwave. I identify with grad students the most, undergrads secondly, but not so much with the technicians and lab managers, with whom I techinically have more things in common in terms of tasks in lab. So, yeah, I'm a little lost....Should I dress more professionally now? Everyone in earth sciences seem so chill though that I can probably pass with cargo pants...but should I wear cargo pants?
What they don't tell you about taking a gap year is constantly feeling like you're stuck on a loading screen. It's understandable because you are actually hitting the pause button and saying "I'm gonna stay here until I'm ready for the next phase", but god at times it's as if everyone else is moving forward in life (or sideways exploring options) when you're just, stagnant. Oh the things I would do to feel on-track right now...
Regardless of the identity criss and fear of not growing, though, I will say that I'm aware of how lucky I am to be able to feel all that. I know I don't fully understand the gravity of all this yet (that's probably something that will hit me later), but I do know I'll miss it when it's over, so let's hold on to even the struggles as if we're holding onto our dear life. Plus, it's meant to be hard. And If it doesn't feel hard, then am I really putting in the work?
On the bright side, I did run into 3 other people in my office this past week. There's a lot of graduating/moving/switching in the offices lately so somehow I managed to miss all of them until my 3rd week here. They all seem like genuienly nice people, and I'm glad a new grad student will be joining me in our little cubicle cluster.
I reached out to a few professors and asked if I could sit in their group meetings, wanting to know what's happening in the department. They're incredibly nice and introduced me to their lab members - one of which I actually met last year at AGU (ahh networking paying off am I right?) I sit mostly quietly during the meetings, trying to follow as the conversation shifts from introductions to technicalities ("we need this machine calibrated, these leaks fixed, those samples run, oh and remind this person to shadow that person during this procedure") It was a whole new scene for me and induced quite a culture shock, but being there made me feel like I was part of something again, and that felt very good.
Kim and Amanda (my lab manager) are the best mentors I could ever ask for. I didn't realize how much I've grown in this lab until this past Tuesday, when I was calling Picarro's technical support team trying to troubleshoot the particulate filters. The expectations are completely different now: I have more responsibilities than ever, and I'm trusted with resources to figure things out. I rarely know the answers right away, but I know how to devise a plan to tackle the problem now, and when I don't, I know how to locate help. I used to think "problem-solving skills" is something you write on your CV when you have literally nothing else to offer, but it really is a skillset that requires practicing and developing. I'm a better person because my mentors helped me, taught me, pushed me when necessary and advocated for me, always.
...So I guess I shouldn't be worried. I'll be okay, right?
Maybe, but I still get my daily dose of grad application stress each night before going to bed. It'd be 1am and I'd be on The GradCafe wondering why some of the most qualified applicants were rejected from the programs I want to apply to.
Funny thing is, it actually hurts a little when you see the red "rejected" status under their submission - it's like you're sharing some of the pain from when they first found out. And you know that wherever they are right now, they probably love it and think the rejections years ago were for the best. But you can't afford to think like that, at least not right now.
On a lighter note, I did go on 2 Bumble BFF dates this past week. It's weirdly fun. I've never dated online before, and the whole process of "talking and then meeting IRL" is utterly unfamiliar to me. I realized I'm not great at it and that I might've botched my first friend-date, if that's even possible.
While making new friends, I get to catch up with old ones. Aaron and Xufei called on Friday and we exchange life updates. They were both in bed, and I was too, and we had absolutely no reason being in bed considering the calls were 6pm and 8pm and we're all night owls. It's hilarious how we're in sync in three different cities. "Fitness is my passion", we'd say, but really all we do is excessive selfcare which consists of lots of naps. I love them. I love that I get to come back from work each week and know they'll be there to listen and that whatever bad-day stories I had, they'd top it with a worse one.
That was a long babble. I'm glad blogging works a bit like therapy for me, that somethings just kind of...dissolve, when I type them down. And hopefully I'm doing future and past me justice for reflecting on these things.
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