I think about who I was before, and who I am after. And I can't imagine living as "before" anymore - so maybe that's the point all along.
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Going to Texas is probably the best thing that's happened to me in my grad application journey so far. I was there to retrieve our cruise samples and tour the facility, but I go so much, SO MUCH more out of it. Chris (Dr. Chris Maupin at TAMU's SIGF) hosted me for a week and showed me some of the coolest things I've witnessed so far:
I shadowed Melaney (a grad student) in her Kiel and EA mass spec work. I still don't know how to operate the system but I understand its inner workings as well as what the monitor shows during each step of the process.
I learned the principles of a Picarro Cavity Ring-down Spectrometer. When I say "principles", I mean Chris taught me how this thing works from the atom level up. I learned the bare bones, the fundamental physics and chemistry, from one equation to another, one variable to the next. I'd went into the lesson with knowledge on Beer Lambert's Law and thought that's where we'd start, instead we went all the way down to the eletrons and built an empire from scratch.
Dr. Yige Zhang's research project is beyond fascinating. Among the several potential advisors I reached out to, he is one which I successfully chatted with. His teaching philosophy and mentoring style is one that I respect and like a lot. His students seem content and motivated, and I can see myself being happy there, among them.
I also gave my seminar on the tropical Pacific d18O-SSS project.
It was my first full-length seminar talk, but the TAMU Biogeochemistry/isotope community is so supportive that even as I looked at my audience who are mostly strangers, I felt encouraged and cared for - I haven't felt that since I left Tech. For the very first time, I got a steady stream of thoughtful questions, each pushing me to draw from knowledge I've gained so far, and each giving me new insight on exciting possibilities for the future. I was questioned, but in ways that provoked thinking and recalling of what I've learned; I was challenegd, but in ways that motivated me to delve deeper. The discussion was lively, and the professors did not hold back on generous compliments.
This TAMU trip showed me a way of science that I can picture myself doing for years and years to come. I want to spend time with humming machines, and I want to hum with them. Just a peek of what's yet to come, I was already in before, but now I'm all in.
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Grad apps don't stress me out as much as before.
I'v reached out to quite a few professors by now, and I have more to contact. My research interests have been narrowed down, and my perspective school list has lengthened and shortened and lengthened again. I've talked to some grad students and
postdocs about their experiences, and that helped me learn what to look for. I started paying attention to "fit", rather than just the prestige. I stopped frantically researching faculty out of desperation, and started to listen myself - what type of person would I want to work for (and work with)? What sort of mentoring style can nourish me the most? With whom will I be happy?
Also, I know what's going on in my field now: when professors bring up names, I know WHO does WHAT at WHICH university. I know the big names of some sub-fields now, even knowing a bit about where people came from and how they got to where they're at.
Getting rejected from every single school I apply to? That is certainly still a possibility, but I'm not scared anymore.
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Here I am.
Almost 2 months since moving to Providence, I'm finally happy with who I am, and where I'm at.
Sometimes it's not about whether these feelings last.
It's about having reached this point at all.
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