This week I focused on making me happy. I've joked about "self-care" which consists of eating ice-cream, retail therapy, sleeping in, etc. But among all the chaos of moving to a new city, starting my job at a new school, and everything that comes with it, here comes a time where I have to sit down and think: "what is one thing I can do for myself, right now, that will make me smile?" And I find no answer.
So I started trying somethings. It's a bit unsettling knowing that I don't know myself as much as I thought I did - perhaps happiness takes practice too.
I forced myself to walk to downtown this Saturday. I used to be able to do things like that - wandering out into the city by myself, soaking up my surroundings and taking in the vibrations of all that is around me, not needing a companion. My close friends in college changed me in that regard, and now I find myself seeking someone to walk side by side with before considering heading out by myself. When I woke up on Saturday, I told myself, "you're heading out with or without someone", and so I did.
It was 100% worth it. I felt free, breathing in the sun-baked air by the river, watching people kayaking pass me, listening to the fountain...it was perfect. The art of being alone hasn't always come naturally, but for the first time in what felt like a long long time, I felt like myself again. I scrapbooked at one of the picnic tables by the river and listened to the sounds of this town and was glad I made myself come out.
Grad school, socialization, working in the department, friendships, finding my purpose...I try to find a place to start but can't. The anxiety of not being able to socialize bleeds into my work and distracts me; not working at a satisfactory efficiency worsens the imposter syndrome; and that bleeds into unsatisfactory soclization as well.
Losing myself and finding myself, somehow in the midst of all this change, I experience both simultaneously, with similar intensity. I can't tell if I'm losing or winning, if this is the biggest character development so far in my life or just a preview of the failure that is to come.
Like a hard breakup, I know I'll eventually come out alive. I just don't know what kind of person I will be when this is over.
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